Summer is here, but where am I at?
It's the summer already (or at long last, if it's your jam). Can you believe it? I just graduated high school not even a week ago and it's already summer. Wow.
You know, it's strange being a high school graduate... The feeling, I mean. It's different. My friends and I were talking about this the other night. It feels as though I have all the time in the world, but also like I'm busy all the time doing nothing. While it certainly hasn't been the worst feeling, I'd like to have some sense of direction. If only the universe could throw me a bone here!
Everyone I've spoken to after delivering my graduation speech, and even my parents well before that, has commented on my ability to do anything I set my mind to. To be honest with you, I've been brushing it off every time because I thought they were out of their minds. How could I possibly do that when I don't even know what I'm doing? Turns out, they're right. And I can't believe I didn't catch on to what they meant sooner.
I had to think about the reason why I never did. I had to take myself back a few years and retrace my steps. Through everything I've ever worked on: every project, every piece of writing, all of it. And I've come to a conclusion. Whenever I get sucked into something, my mind goes on autopilot. I myself don't know what I'm doing, but my mind does.
My mind is a driver of creativity and motivation, and if I start overthinking anything, it stops to focus on that. It stops to give me time to catch up. To do my best work. And if a team's involved, it helps me better understand their needs and help them move do their best too. Whether that's through taking things off their plates, giving feedback and guidance where it's needed, or whatever the case may be: it's contagious. And it's a super power.
I've made many mistakes over my years, especially during those I spent in high school. Trust me, I know. But I've taken every lesson I've learned and applied it to my life. I've kept myself moving forward even when I didn't feel like I could. It has taken a lot of strength to get here, but to be honest with you, it has also taken a small toll on me. I'm in need of a recharge, a reset, a fresh mind. I suppose what I'm looking for is "a fresh start."
As I've mentioned before, I'm taking this next bit of time to rest. I need it. A sudden pivot to virtual learning 15 months ago, and the struggle to stay connected with friends/family throughout this pandemic has left me feeling exhausted in ways I didn't think were possible. With the limited contact I had with friends and family, my teachers, you name it. All of it had drained me and until recently, I really had no clue what to do.
When I was learning virtually, which I spent a majority of the last year and a half doing, I started experiencing a really severe case of "Zoom fatigue", a phenomenon which Psychology Today describes as "the term being used to describe the tiredness, anxiety, or worry resulting from overusing these virtual platforms." The term was popularized around the start of the pandemic, though I only learned about it recently after speaking with my friends about it. That's when I realized that I had been experiencing it.
I was too caught up in "needing to be on this call at this time" to stop myself before things got to where they are now. I was too busy, distracted, all of that. At one point during early April, I'm pretty sure I was chalking that up to "too much social media" so I wiped my feeds and unfollowed everyone for a bit. I soon realized that wasn't the issue, and since I was already pretty hands off with my accounts outside of the occasional post, I restored everything and continued on doing what I was doing pre-COVID.
Outside of that one single action, I did nothing in the self-care department until very recently. I still felt burned out, as I've repeated over the course of this past year. This summer will be my chance to catch my breath, recollect my thoughts, do a lot of writing, see lots of things, maybe make a video or two or several, and obviously plot out the course that will lead me to the next chapter. Or journey on said course without even realizing it? Who really knows? I certainly don't!
I've started reprogramming my mindset, and I've started taking care of myself more. And already a few days in, I can feel the energy in me returning. I can feel the motivation coming back. I'm starting to feel excited about the waves of summer. I'm starting to hear the calls of friendships, of parties, of game nights, of beach days. I'm starting to smile in numbers, and appreciate the little things again. I'm starting to pick up right where I left off before the pandemic began. I still have more work to do, of course, but let me just say: so far, it feels amazing.
Here's to whatever's next. I can't wait!